10. "I'm here at the Oscars, otherwise known as the White People's Choice Awards. If they nominated hosts, I wouldn't even be here right now. Y'all would be watching Neil Patrick Harris."
9. Returning from a commercial break: "And we're black."
8. "Things are changing. We got a Black Rocky. Some people call it Creed, but I call it Black Rocky. It takes place where white athletes are as good as black athletes. Rocky is science fiction. There are things that happen in Star Wars that are more believable than Rocky."
7. After swapping three Asian children for the accountants from PricewaterhouseCoopers: "If anyone is upset about that joke, just tweet about it on your phone that was also made by these kids."
6. On the Oscar boycott: "I thought about quitting, but it's not like they're going to not have the Oscars. And the last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart. Dude works fast. Porno actors don't work that fast."
5. "This year, the In Memoriam package is just going to be black people who were shot on their way to the movies."
4. "Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna's panties. I wasn't invited ... Is it fair that Will didn't get nominated for Concussion? No. But it's also not fair that he got paid $20 million for Wild Wild West."
3. "Last year, Paul Giamatti was whupping Lupita (in 12 Years a Slave). This year, he's crying at Eazy-E's funeral (in Straight Outta Compton). That's range."
2. "Is Hollywood racist? You're damn right. But Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like, 'We like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.'"
1. "Why all the protests this year? This is the 88th Academy Awards and I'm sure this has happened at least 71 times before. I'm sure there were years in the '50s and '60s where black people didn't get nominated. But we had better things to protest. We were too busy getting raped and lynched to care who was up for best cinematographer. When your grandma is swinging from a tree, It's kind of hard to worked up about best foreign film."
Happy New Month Everyone!!!